I don't know what I want to do with this space... but I do know that there are a lot of things I want to write down. It's a paradox that's been with me since about October, during my miniature bout with depression. I want to write, but I don't know what I want to write because I don't know who my audience is. I can't write for nobody, just as I can't talk to myself about anything important. I think that's why the content here has been so hollow and distant, if not outright stupid: I'm talking to either myself or nobody. It's rare that I get that email from anonymous, so I ask myself "why the hell am I still trying?" as I type up a 1200 word rant about crap nobody outside slashdot cares about.
It pains me to say it, but I agree with Jeff: I miss Terrapins Gone Wild. As much as I hated most of the people there, it was something to do. I knew who was there, I knew who cared to click on my topics. Nothing else I've tried since then has had any degree of success in replacing that environment. People on fark are either idiotic or oblivious, and nothing on there is anything I care about anyway. On slashdot, you're ignored if you don't post in the first thread, or on the first page even. I've had, to six posts or so, one response, and one moderator point spent on me. Again, like here, it's just not worth opening up.
Next weekend, I am going to go see my grandmother. I'd like to talk about that, but I already did so where I think more people will appreciate it, so that's out. I've been avoiding talking about how happy I've been in the last five weeks, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Yeah, I was miserable while I was out in California, but I guess it's awfully hard to be happy when you're in the midst of a weekend-long breakup of ... well, I'll call it a relationship that lasted two months shy of two years, and you're dealing with that and the sacrifice of having gone out there, and the depressing reality of what's going on around you that you're only observer to. Worst of all, I still cared, and care now, although that's hard for me to admit. I tried to be happy... but I couldn't manage it all that well at the time. I've come to realize now, though, that I probably should have let go earlier. It was selfish of me to expect all that to work, so if she has someone more accessible, then everyone's happier in the end. Call it a load off my shoulders, I suppose. I'd like to brag about how good I am at music. Unfortunately, I don't have any structured environment to tell people to come watch me in. Why? I'm too busy. I don't feel like recording myself all that often, either, for the simple reasons that A) I know it's not going to get me work, and B) only two people download the files in the first place, and one of them doesn't remember anything about them after the fact. I have too much crap to do for school. I'd like to whine about that, but I'm absolutely certain that if 'you' did read this, you wouldn't give a shit about that, either. I'd love to pimp myself for finally being in a position of power at my job after five years of dedicated service, but there's little more to say than what I've said already. I've worked for the university for so long, I should be receiving a service commendation in October.
This summer, I don't know if I have work. That scares me, because I have work I need to get done for the EMC (database redesign), and they're paying me enough to actually make me want to do that, but they haven't cleared any funding for our office. If that doesn't work out, I'm not going to be able to live through the summer. I have already sold my laptop, and I'm not getting rid of my bass again. I like this one far more than the last. I can't sell any of my amp equipment, because I sold my practice amp in March to live through April. I don't have many more CDs that CDepot will take. Worst yet, I don't have much in the way to offer other employers, simply because I don't have the ability to continue working beyond the summer. It's like, I need a job, but I won't be able to get one and have no other way to support myself. Frightening times. Well, only one more semester of this nonsense, then I'll have to find a temporary job to live out the lease on the apartment and go find a job in a juvenile justice department somewhere. Probably Florida, although I have to look at Utah, too.
I can't leave behind family, I've seen what that does.
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