I think my inspiration for participating in today came largely from the fact that I, having done the math, will be two courses away from fulfilling my major requirements at the end of next spring. After that, it's a matter of stupid classes, and I shouldn't need any more than next summer and a half-time next fall to finish and be rid of this god forsaken institution forever.
That being said, I should be happier than I am right now. I have a clear plan for the first time in my academic career. I'll be applying for in-state tuition and making the grade, so to speak, due to continuous leasing for the first time ever. My Terps just beat Florida State at football for the first time ever, which, all other losses past and future-potential aside, makes this season and Joel Statham's tenure as starting quarterback worth it.
What's the problem, then?
The future is scaring me for the first time in my life.
Ordinarily, where I'm going in life doesn't bother me at all. I know I'm marketable enough to secure a job without any real degree of difficulty. It's really, at this point, more a matter of finding a job I want to do. It would be pleasant if that were the problem; however, my more pressing concern is that of where do I want to go after I'm done here? I thought, prior to a few weeks ago, I had everything wrapped up and ready to go, but a sudden bout of induced depression seems to have caused me to doubt my prior ... well, admittedly amorphous plans. Whatever, though, I'll work where I go to work.
Then there's the other problem. People often complain about inspiration in their lives, things like "where is it? When will I know it's here?" I have, as cliched as it sounds, found inspiration many a time at the bottom of a bottle (meaning the nights I drink less), precisely when I don't have the facilities to do anything about it. The drinking isn't the problem here, though. The problem is that when I do finally get around to my inspiration, it's the inspiration to actually get up and do something, not creative inspiration.
It seems to me a pretty clear issue of a motivational deficiency, one that's been nagging me my entire life in many regards, to boot. I have routinely had problems telling myself to do things. Most of the time it's things I don't care about, like statistics homework or going to math classes, that I have the biggest problems with doing. It really bugs me when I can't bring myself to do things I want to do, though.
Not even that, though, is my qualm with motivation. No, it's the fact that I even have this issue.
All my life, I've had people telling me, "You can do better than this" when I pull in a C or "Practice more! We can tell you're very talented, you just need to bring your skill up to what you're capable of to be great!" when I would turn in a practice sheet that had less than two hours a week of practice time on it. Yes, that is correct, captain "all I do is play bass guitar" boy here used to loathe playing clarinet in an academic confine. [An Aside: I used the word confine here... this is probably indicative of something deep and troubling.] I guess my personal block to progress is being expected to make it. Without expectation, I'll soar as freely as I want; when I do that, I don't have to fear failure and rejection. I don't go to statistics lecture because I want to answer the professors questions; it's just that, when I do, he says "no" like I am the single most moronic peon who ever crossed his path. I hated practicing in middle school because my stepsister, a flute playing overachiever (by my standards... I wish I could have done as well for myself as she did) put an image into my head that I wasn't good enough to be heard. I would lie on my sheets, and when apparently someone found out about it, I was grounded. You don't ground me, as the ensuing four years of rebellion should have taught my at-the-time stepmother.
In a way, all that sort of problem is why I'm so happy I have the checkered flag in sight at long last. At this point, it means that it'll be the end of my being exposed to any degree of pressure outside of "do your job" which is, ironically enough, the only guideline I can deal with (irony here because it's also the most strict; I've been told time and time again that your GPA doesn't matter, all that matters is the piece of paper that says you finished). I make a great employee. Ask either of the bosses I've had. I worked at an elementary school as a volunteer for a year before I finished two as a paid employee, and I'm pretty sure that my boss named his son Nathaniel for a good reason. My current job... I've been here since October of 2000, my current boss nominated me for student employee of the year, I've been entrusted to run the place dozens of times before, I train, I troubleshoot, I am almost model. They don't know what they're going to do without me.
Nice to know I am appreciated, but it'd be even nicer to know what I'm going to be doing with myself in some concrete fashion. Maybe when I get home and get some studying for my stupid statistics class out of the way, I'll try to write a song again. Maybe I'll finish before I have to sell my effects pedal.
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